spending time together

Any relationship there will be ups and downs. I don’t want my memories of my relationship with BF to consist of only downs, like the previous few posts. Today it shall be something different. Like other couples, we manage to have some normal couple time together. Funny, I know how some couples may frown at the thought that their relationship is just about watching movie, window-shopping and eating. But for us, this is not something that comes by easily.

We started our morning with a discussion of our issues that’s been boggling us; we tried very hard to iron out the creases between us. We both love each other very much but on the other hand, our character makes us struggle to be the alpha male in the relationship. Both unwilling to submit to each other but dominate even though we know we love each other very much. This has of course cause tension between us every now and then, causing our relationship constantly wobble between breaking up and not.

We tried to come to an agreement that he will take care of himself more by going exercise with me, SMS me regardless of time telling me that he reaches home and never raise his voice or say words that I don’t like listening to. Likewise, I will interfere less into his drinking and late night activities that his work will be his priorities for now and I will try to learn to live with that.

After the talk, we manage to catch 2 movies together. We watched the much anticipated Angels and Demons and Monster vs. Alien 3D. I feel when watching movies, our relationship with each other becomes closer every time. I get to hold on to his hand tightly and he will sometimes shower me with kisses while watching movie. It’s really a very sweet time; sometimes I wish the time would stand still at that point.

Even though with a little silent protest from BF, we manage to have soup as dinner. BF is the type that has to have meat and carbo for dinner, so having soup for dinner is not what he will call it as dinner but I guess this is his way of showing that he is going eat the healthy way. Of course I’m happy about it because I want to spend many more years with him in the coming future.

We ended our day with a game of Monopoly we bought earlier. It’s a very good way to spend some quality time together, other than watching movie. Even though I lost in the game but at I’m happy that I’m able to spend some quality time with him.

sleeping on it, yet again

Internet has always been a bad form for communication of feelings. Unlike talking face to face, we are able to see each other’s expression and feel each other’s feeling instantly and not guessing it on another end. So I thought the discussion tonight will end well with me lying snugly by his side and cooing me to sleep.

Less than 5 minutes into the talk, we’re already lying on the bed with our back facing each other. My plan was to be a bit more rational by listing down our issues and talking about it one by one but before I can do that, his answer to me is I should just leave him alone. It just seems so hard to communicate my feelings to him, he is unwilling to step back and when I sense that I got defensive altogether.

Is this going to be another one of those nights where I will be sleeping on my problem again, except maybe the problem will be sleeping by my side? Will we ever have a conclusion to our endless arguments?

in search for conclusion

For missing our weekend together last week, BF has scheduled to spend his weekend with me. Tonight he will be flying in, so we will be spending time together. I’ll be lying to you guys, if I say that I’m not happy at all. In fact at this moment of writing this post, I can feel my heart leaping with joy.

It’s after lunch now, BF message me on MSN suggesting to have a heart to heart talk. This is our first step toward confronting issues together after rows of staying up late, tearing, shouting and slamming on the phone. Right now, he told me that he is feeling confused and disturbed about our relationship but nevertheless still loves me. To be honest, I have the same feeling too. Many times in the midst of our heated arguments I did bring up the topic of breaking up, one part of me really feel like giving it all up but another part of me still wants this relationship to work. I already have my fair share of failed relationship and don’t want another to add on to my list of unsuccessful relationships.

So I suggested we can start talking about it tonight and have Saturday and Sunday to sort iron it out. Not sure how it will end but I do hope there will be a conclusion to this discussion. Hopefully I can share it here after we have an outcome. *finger cross*

it's taking off

Going through his earlier posts prompted me to pluck up my courage to pick up the phone to call him. Unfortunately for me the timing was not right; he was at a meeting when I called but good thing is that he did called me after his meeting. Now, everything seems to be back to normal although but none mention anything about what happened yesterday. As if it’s already understood that we’re both not in the mood argue again.

Good news, he messaged me earlier telling me that his partner just signed a deal. I’m very happy to hear this. Knowing that his career has taken off so well that his decision to start his own business is a correct one, for now. I hope everything will work well for him but on the other hand I hope all these success in his life won’t change him either.

Isn’t it always good to see the man / partner in your life doing well?

Hopefully I will have the same luck like BF in my career too. =)

vexed

Since last night after we hang up the phone, we exchanged a few one-word conversation briefly. Till this morning, I’ve not received any phone call from him. One part of me feel like picking up the phone to call him right now but another part of me start questioning, if I pick up the phone to call him, what’s yesterday’s argument suppose to mean?

Then if we start chatting like nothing has happened before, yesterday’s tear will be pointless. I’m tired of shedding tears every now and then, so if there is no understanding or agreement between us, very likely what we argues yesterday will erupt again some time in the near future.

What am I to do? I’m vexed.

a letter to boyfriend

Boyfriend,

I know you have been working hard to drive your dream car but I really want you to know that although without money you can’t do anything but money is the answer to all problems. Even if one day you have amassed a large amount of wealth, that doesn’t mean you will have all the happiness in the world.

I really want to let you know that even though I’m not 100% sure but I will try my best to stand by you through thick and thin. It really hurts to hear those words that you have said to me just now. I wish you had not said those words but if saying those words can make you realized that I really care for you and your health then I’m more than willing to let you say it out.

Even though I know this relationship is hurting me but the only reason I’m enduring it is because I love you. I hope you will one day realized my love for you, I really do. There are so many things that I wish I could tell and share with you but I find our communication these days is coming to a near break down and I’m crushing altogether.

I will pray again tonight, so that God will help us tide through this time of difficulties in our relationship. Hopefully soon there won’t be anymore sad posts in this blog.

Crushed girlfriend.

hopeless

These days, I can’t get past a night without the company of tears. It’s now past 1am in the morning. I just had a heated argument with BF again over the same topic, regarding his drinking issue. Due to work, BF has been drinking a lot lately. In fact every night he has been out drinking with people. There is nothing I can do except to advise him but he feels that my advice is a nag, for this it also became a topic of our quarrel.

Recently I experienced a death in my family, my worries toward him grew. I know his drinking will soon cause health issue, not to mention he is also obese now. Second hand smoke is another thing that I’m worried but I know it’s pointless to bring it up. He asked me not to interfere in his life anymore and since I don’t understand, he doesn’t expect me to understand it and neither will he try to understand my point. Any idea how crushed I feel after hearing those words from him?

Many times I feel like giving up this relationship but I can’t seems to bring myself to do it. I asked God why do I have to go through bitter relationship again? My previous relationship also started sweet but bitter in the end, why? Is this a signal that my relationship with him is coming to the end?

Even though I’ve brought up the break up topic many times but BF always ignore it because he says he loves me a lot and I know I can’t use this any longer. I don’t know what I will do if one day we do break up. I’m really afraid that one day he will break up with me. I’m struggling inside to maintain this relationship. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Last weekend it was about him cancelling our weekend together for his working trip to Beijing. Now, before the end of the week we’re quarrelling about his drinking habit. I’m starting to think if this is a problem of my own. Maybe I just don’t understand people at all. My ex-BF once said that I’m the worst GF he ever had, am I really that hopeless?

It’s been a long time since I last posted something here. Our posts streams in when we started this relationship to now, it’s trickling and possibly to a halt. I’m not sure when I will ever post to this blog again or will if he remembers this blog.

Boyfriend is at the top of his career now. Seeing him at the top there, on one hand I’m happy on the other hand I’m beginning to be worried. All the dramas that I have watched have staunchly advice me that man when with money will attract the unnecessary attention. Sigh, due to this I know that I’ve caused strain in our relationship.

I’m not sure of the road ahead of us now. I sensed that things have changed. We are not as loving as we first used to, where the clouds were cotton candy, the sun were a loving touch telling me that he is right beside me and the air is his sense of presence. Now, the cotton candies are gone, the sun is harsh and air is stuffy. I feel a struggle in me to break away from it.

Last weekend we had a furious fight. We had planned for a weekend together and were looking forward to it very much. So imagine my disappointment when he told me that he prefers to spend his weekend away in a foreign country for his work. It was a flurry of angry activities going on between us; in the end we grew tired and didn’t go on anymore.

I’ve just ended my conversation with him on the phone. Things seem to be fine. He cooed me by assuring me that he dote me only. One part of me is cynical about it thinking that those are just honey coated words but another part of me hopes it’s not. Every time when this happens, I listen and pray hard that I will one day know that these are real, honest words from him.