the sign

From few calls a day, slowly and unknowingly, it has now become 1 call on alternate day. I am slowly losing this relationship and this is something I am trying to come to term with. Deep down in me, I feel very hurt and my heart is weeping every day.

Lord, is this what you have prepared for me?

I have volunteered to go back to his side, meaning to shift my location and transfer back but he has rejected it citing “not prepared for this commitment” as reason. After 2.5 years into this relationship, my eyes swell when I read that. The reason for the change is because I want to build this relationship because living separated this way with no end in sight can be very unhealthy. Some of you may think this may be an impulsive decision to make but to me, I just want to fight for something I really want and I really hoped that he thinks the same but I just put myself for disappointment it seems.

He suggested that I should plan and think for myself. These days chatting with him feels like chatting with a regular friend. I guess the sign is clear.

handling difficult times

How has weekend been for you all?

It's been crazy hot over my place here. I wish the weather can cool down a little so that it doesn't add further burden to my extremely tired soul, not to mention the stress that I am facing with a crying kid (my niece) at home and relationship issue with my significant other.

Things have generally cooled down a little. I'm not sure what to make of this relationship that I have right now. We do talk on the phone, exchanging a little bit of jokes but it still feels different than before. Before there were lovey dovey messages exchanged but now he don't even call me his Bee (short for Baby) or darling. When saying I love you, it's always "love you", in the past if I said that he will asked me "love who?". I also remember he mentioned that there was once a movie, when the guy who had an affair was asked to say "I love you" by his wife he only said "love, love, love, love, love'. In a way saying the word out but not the way the wife had intended it to be. I wonder if this is the case for me now.

These days, I try to control my temper. When facing with issues that I dislike, I will keep quiet and calm myself down by focusing on happier things in life. I also try not to dissect messages so often like before. I know girls always like to read in between the lines. Looking for hidden messages. It's not the girls' fault but we're just born to look into details more that's why we are more sensitive and considerate.

Anyway, by doing that, I realised it's a lot easier, I get less emo and there is less stress on the relationship. Also, I try not to conjure too much unrealistic expectation on both of us. I still have certain things that I hope to change in him but I have learnt to take thing less hard. Another avenue of my release of stress and feelings is through praying. I can't tell you how much prayer have helped me to go through this period of hard time. I'm a christian and have always believed in God very much. This period of emo, God has really helped me alot. He has even sent me messages in the form of email, not kidding. But prayer certainly does help in times of trouble like this.

So we are going through a trying period now. I'm praying hard that things will look better for us soon and there will be a change in our relationship.

How do you handle your relationship during difficult times?

*update: Oh he has just called me "Darling" again! Thank god for answering my prayer.

cold rejection

It’s been a while…

I noticed that whenever I am feeling down and helpless about our relationship, I will come here to blog about it. Yes, our relationship is going through another rock bottom situation. This time our argument got worst than before. Perhaps it’s the pressure of our age, the pressure of the need to settle down due to our age, we are now in our late 20s. 2 nights ago, we almost wanted to call it off but I didn’t have the courage to let go this relationship because I couldn’t imagine myself calling another person other than him my darling. Before this, every now and then I will have this feeling to want to give it up but that night when we all words are out of our mouth, I realized it’s not that easy after all.

Breaking up is a tough thing to do in all serious relationship. But what can I do to salvage this broken relationship?

Since that night his attitude towards me has been rather cold. Maybe I’m just an eager person hoping that our relationship will go back to normal. I’m still waiting for that familiar loving tone from him every time we chat on the phone but I seem to only sense a cold rejection.

What should I do now?

I’m feeling so helpless the only thing I can do right now is praying hard everyday that one day Lord will deliver to him the message that I want him to understand. I hope all this is not too late.

the beautiful promise

Open facebook today, other than being bombarded with a list of getting-to-know-me results my friends have been taking, I noticed the panel on the right filled were 3 newly minted couples posting various wedding pictures. I briefly went through their pictures, just too many pictures for me to go through it one by one. Welcome to my age where being single is the odd one out. I’ve just attended a wedding dinner last week and there is another one coming along this weekend. So I foresee another 2 wedding albums that will be appearing soon.

Happy to see them all in bliss but my view of getting married right now is mixed. Amidst of this misty happiness while shrouded with beautiful promises of till death do us part, I know there is more than meets the eyes when it comes to life after marriage. How life can be different where things you expect to change will not change while things you don’t expect to change will changed. The union of 2 people is not child’s play but also a union of 2 families together, union of differing backgrounds, values and understanding of life and this is probably where all problems will come in. This moment now I’m not willing to face it, perhaps not having the courage to go through it all by myself.

Then I saw another friend whose boyfriend went down on bended knee while holidaying. Heart melts. I think getting engaged while on holiday is a very nice thought. While you’re enjoying every moment that you’re spending with him and then suddenly the ring pops out, it’s like a cherry on top of the ice cream (although I dislike eating cherry). Anyway, I know this friend for a while, not very close but I know she has been in love to this guy for many years. The relationship is like a boat on a stormy sea, according to some sources but she treats him with all the patience she has. Finally the moment of fairy tale has arrived and in style. I guess right now nothing else can put that huge smile on her face seeing the spark coming off from her hand every now and then relishing the sweetness she experienced in Italy.

I know of another friend who is also planning to propose in the coming Europe tour. I wonder if the plan is still valid now.

post 2nd year anniversary

The weather lately is boiling hot. Air is still as the wind chimes stop knocking against each other. If BF is here with me now, most certainly he will be bathing in sweat now. Lucky for him he is probably in some outlet enjoying the cool breeze of air thanks to modern technology.

Nothing much happened yesterday night, after my salsa class, I headed for home. I tried to strike a conversation on the phone to spend time chatting since we can’t see each other to compensate for the lack of his presence on our anniversary but somehow we ended up arguing. Sigh, not again?!

In the end we didn’t talk much, both headed to our own bed, to sleep away the weariness accumulated from the day. The recipe for disappointment is hoping too much and I think yesterday that is exactly what I was cooking for myself. Note to self, don’t hope too much and don’t build up too much fantasy to a relationship unless you’re into gay relationship.

Hmm… I wonder how couples survive their anniversary date.