Thursday, March 11, 2010

the sign

From few calls a day, slowly and unknowingly, it has now become 1 call on alternate day. I am slowly losing this relationship and this is something I am trying to come to term with. Deep down in me, I feel very hurt and my heart is weeping every day.

Lord, is this what you have prepared for me?

I have volunteered to go back to his side, meaning to shift my location and transfer back but he has rejected it citing “not prepared for this commitment” as reason. After 2.5 years into this relationship, my eyes swell when I read that. The reason for the change is because I want to build this relationship because living separated this way with no end in sight can be very unhealthy. Some of you may think this may be an impulsive decision to make but to me, I just want to fight for something I really want and I really hoped that he thinks the same but I just put myself for disappointment it seems.

He suggested that I should plan and think for myself. These days chatting with him feels like chatting with a regular friend. I guess the sign is clear.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

handling difficult times

How has weekend been for you all?

It's been crazy hot over my place here. I wish the weather can cool down a little so that it doesn't add further burden to my extremely tired soul, not to mention the stress that I am facing with a crying kid (my niece) at home and relationship issue with my significant other.

Things have generally cooled down a little. I'm not sure what to make of this relationship that I have right now. We do talk on the phone, exchanging a little bit of jokes but it still feels different than before. Before there were lovey dovey messages exchanged but now he don't even call me his Bee (short for Baby) or darling. When saying I love you, it's always "love you", in the past if I said that he will asked me "love who?". I also remember he mentioned that there was once a movie, when the guy who had an affair was asked to say "I love you" by his wife he only said "love, love, love, love, love'. In a way saying the word out but not the way the wife had intended it to be. I wonder if this is the case for me now.

These days, I try to control my temper. When facing with issues that I dislike, I will keep quiet and calm myself down by focusing on happier things in life. I also try not to dissect messages so often like before. I know girls always like to read in between the lines. Looking for hidden messages. It's not the girls' fault but we're just born to look into details more that's why we are more sensitive and considerate.

Anyway, by doing that, I realised it's a lot easier, I get less emo and there is less stress on the relationship. Also, I try not to conjure too much unrealistic expectation on both of us. I still have certain things that I hope to change in him but I have learnt to take thing less hard. Another avenue of my release of stress and feelings is through praying. I can't tell you how much prayer have helped me to go through this period of hard time. I'm a christian and have always believed in God very much. This period of emo, God has really helped me alot. He has even sent me messages in the form of email, not kidding. But prayer certainly does help in times of trouble like this.

So we are going through a trying period now. I'm praying hard that things will look better for us soon and there will be a change in our relationship.

How do you handle your relationship during difficult times?

*update: Oh he has just called me "Darling" again! Thank god for answering my prayer.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

cold rejection

It’s been a while…

I noticed that whenever I am feeling down and helpless about our relationship, I will come here to blog about it. Yes, our relationship is going through another rock bottom situation. This time our argument got worst than before. Perhaps it’s the pressure of our age, the pressure of the need to settle down due to our age, we are now in our late 20s. 2 nights ago, we almost wanted to call it off but I didn’t have the courage to let go this relationship because I couldn’t imagine myself calling another person other than him my darling. Before this, every now and then I will have this feeling to want to give it up but that night when we all words are out of our mouth, I realized it’s not that easy after all.

Breaking up is a tough thing to do in all serious relationship. But what can I do to salvage this broken relationship?

Since that night his attitude towards me has been rather cold. Maybe I’m just an eager person hoping that our relationship will go back to normal. I’m still waiting for that familiar loving tone from him every time we chat on the phone but I seem to only sense a cold rejection.

What should I do now?

I’m feeling so helpless the only thing I can do right now is praying hard everyday that one day Lord will deliver to him the message that I want him to understand. I hope all this is not too late.