weekend, with a touch of italy

Weekend has come and gone, how did your weekend went?

Last weekend I spent my time with BF, we didn’t do any extraordinary but it was a very good time for me and I hope the same for him too. We spoke about our future a bit but not into detail. I was very happy when he mentioned that I get to have a say in how our home will look like although it will still be heavily influenced by his style. He also told me to do some research on designs that I like to discuss with an interior designer. Imagine the grin on my face. =)

Finally we also manage dine at an Italian restaurant that I have wanted to go very much. It is one of the first few places we dated, so it’s a place with sweet memories for us both. Plus the food there was great as far as my memories served me well. One of the dishes that still remains in my memory till now is the cod fish but BF has warned me not to have high expectation for the food there and he is right on that.

We took pictures of the food and ourselves but not together, silly me of all things, how can I forget that? Anyway I just realized I lost my camera, so I have nothing to keep. *sob*

These days I’m happier, I try to think less but I’m also happy that during those difficult time I have God by my side and he has blessed me with girlfriends who are very supportive of me. They gave me advises that are valuable and helps me to tide through trying time. I really thank God for everything. =)

the sign

From few calls a day, slowly and unknowingly, it has now become 1 call on alternate day. I am slowly losing this relationship and this is something I am trying to come to term with. Deep down in me, I feel very hurt and my heart is weeping every day.

Lord, is this what you have prepared for me?

I have volunteered to go back to his side, meaning to shift my location and transfer back but he has rejected it citing “not prepared for this commitment” as reason. After 2.5 years into this relationship, my eyes swell when I read that. The reason for the change is because I want to build this relationship because living separated this way with no end in sight can be very unhealthy. Some of you may think this may be an impulsive decision to make but to me, I just want to fight for something I really want and I really hoped that he thinks the same but I just put myself for disappointment it seems.

He suggested that I should plan and think for myself. These days chatting with him feels like chatting with a regular friend. I guess the sign is clear.

handling difficult times

How has weekend been for you all?

It's been crazy hot over my place here. I wish the weather can cool down a little so that it doesn't add further burden to my extremely tired soul, not to mention the stress that I am facing with a crying kid (my niece) at home and relationship issue with my significant other.

Things have generally cooled down a little. I'm not sure what to make of this relationship that I have right now. We do talk on the phone, exchanging a little bit of jokes but it still feels different than before. Before there were lovey dovey messages exchanged but now he don't even call me his Bee (short for Baby) or darling. When saying I love you, it's always "love you", in the past if I said that he will asked me "love who?". I also remember he mentioned that there was once a movie, when the guy who had an affair was asked to say "I love you" by his wife he only said "love, love, love, love, love'. In a way saying the word out but not the way the wife had intended it to be. I wonder if this is the case for me now.

These days, I try to control my temper. When facing with issues that I dislike, I will keep quiet and calm myself down by focusing on happier things in life. I also try not to dissect messages so often like before. I know girls always like to read in between the lines. Looking for hidden messages. It's not the girls' fault but we're just born to look into details more that's why we are more sensitive and considerate.

Anyway, by doing that, I realised it's a lot easier, I get less emo and there is less stress on the relationship. Also, I try not to conjure too much unrealistic expectation on both of us. I still have certain things that I hope to change in him but I have learnt to take thing less hard. Another avenue of my release of stress and feelings is through praying. I can't tell you how much prayer have helped me to go through this period of hard time. I'm a christian and have always believed in God very much. This period of emo, God has really helped me alot. He has even sent me messages in the form of email, not kidding. But prayer certainly does help in times of trouble like this.

So we are going through a trying period now. I'm praying hard that things will look better for us soon and there will be a change in our relationship.

How do you handle your relationship during difficult times?

*update: Oh he has just called me "Darling" again! Thank god for answering my prayer.

cold rejection

It’s been a while…

I noticed that whenever I am feeling down and helpless about our relationship, I will come here to blog about it. Yes, our relationship is going through another rock bottom situation. This time our argument got worst than before. Perhaps it’s the pressure of our age, the pressure of the need to settle down due to our age, we are now in our late 20s. 2 nights ago, we almost wanted to call it off but I didn’t have the courage to let go this relationship because I couldn’t imagine myself calling another person other than him my darling. Before this, every now and then I will have this feeling to want to give it up but that night when we all words are out of our mouth, I realized it’s not that easy after all.

Breaking up is a tough thing to do in all serious relationship. But what can I do to salvage this broken relationship?

Since that night his attitude towards me has been rather cold. Maybe I’m just an eager person hoping that our relationship will go back to normal. I’m still waiting for that familiar loving tone from him every time we chat on the phone but I seem to only sense a cold rejection.

What should I do now?

I’m feeling so helpless the only thing I can do right now is praying hard everyday that one day Lord will deliver to him the message that I want him to understand. I hope all this is not too late.

bills, bills, bills

Although this blog is essentially used to blog about my relationship with BF but today I feel blogging about something else. This is something about someone I am currently living under one roof with. Don’t get me wrong, this person is not someone related to me in anyway other than we used to be classmates when we were young, now turned housemate.

As I don’t have any other source to vent my anger anonymously, I figured this is the best way for me to spit it all out without hurting anyone in the process. So the story goes this way, I have 3 person staying in my house now. Lately one of my housemates has moves out. He used to be the person in charge of paying off the bills and such. While myself, I’ve always been the one making sure the rent is paid on time to the owner. I made sure that my part is done on time each time. Now this housemate has moved out, quite expectedly his load becomes a shared load between me and the other guy.

So here is the problem, 3 bills have arrived and to these days he has yet to pay anything. I’ve asked him a few times to the extent that I feel embarrassed asking him. I don’t want to appear like a little boss around the house but neither do I want to live in fear knowing that I will be living in the dark when I come home one day. He still has the cheek to call me a “PARANOID android”, that’s the angriest part but hello, do you think I really want to bug you over nitty-gritty stuff like this? You think I’ve nothing better to do?

Now I’m not sure whether I should write him an email to tell him off nicely or I should just leave the bill on the table, any idea?

On the bright side, things have been smooth sailing for me and BF for the last couple of days. No quarrels, no shouting, no slamming down the phone. I hope this situation will persist. BF is likely to be sleeping now as he has been rather exhausted the past few weeks due to waking up early for meetings. Hope he will feel refreshed tomorrow. *wink*

sleeping on it, yet again

Internet has always been a bad form for communication of feelings. Unlike talking face to face, we are able to see each other’s expression and feel each other’s feeling instantly and not guessing it on another end. So I thought the discussion tonight will end well with me lying snugly by his side and cooing me to sleep.

Less than 5 minutes into the talk, we’re already lying on the bed with our back facing each other. My plan was to be a bit more rational by listing down our issues and talking about it one by one but before I can do that, his answer to me is I should just leave him alone. It just seems so hard to communicate my feelings to him, he is unwilling to step back and when I sense that I got defensive altogether.

Is this going to be another one of those nights where I will be sleeping on my problem again, except maybe the problem will be sleeping by my side? Will we ever have a conclusion to our endless arguments?

in search for conclusion

For missing our weekend together last week, BF has scheduled to spend his weekend with me. Tonight he will be flying in, so we will be spending time together. I’ll be lying to you guys, if I say that I’m not happy at all. In fact at this moment of writing this post, I can feel my heart leaping with joy.

It’s after lunch now, BF message me on MSN suggesting to have a heart to heart talk. This is our first step toward confronting issues together after rows of staying up late, tearing, shouting and slamming on the phone. Right now, he told me that he is feeling confused and disturbed about our relationship but nevertheless still loves me. To be honest, I have the same feeling too. Many times in the midst of our heated arguments I did bring up the topic of breaking up, one part of me really feel like giving it all up but another part of me still wants this relationship to work. I already have my fair share of failed relationship and don’t want another to add on to my list of unsuccessful relationships.

So I suggested we can start talking about it tonight and have Saturday and Sunday to sort iron it out. Not sure how it will end but I do hope there will be a conclusion to this discussion. Hopefully I can share it here after we have an outcome. *finger cross*

vexed

Since last night after we hang up the phone, we exchanged a few one-word conversation briefly. Till this morning, I’ve not received any phone call from him. One part of me feel like picking up the phone to call him right now but another part of me start questioning, if I pick up the phone to call him, what’s yesterday’s argument suppose to mean?

Then if we start chatting like nothing has happened before, yesterday’s tear will be pointless. I’m tired of shedding tears every now and then, so if there is no understanding or agreement between us, very likely what we argues yesterday will erupt again some time in the near future.

What am I to do? I’m vexed.

hopeless

These days, I can’t get past a night without the company of tears. It’s now past 1am in the morning. I just had a heated argument with BF again over the same topic, regarding his drinking issue. Due to work, BF has been drinking a lot lately. In fact every night he has been out drinking with people. There is nothing I can do except to advise him but he feels that my advice is a nag, for this it also became a topic of our quarrel.

Recently I experienced a death in my family, my worries toward him grew. I know his drinking will soon cause health issue, not to mention he is also obese now. Second hand smoke is another thing that I’m worried but I know it’s pointless to bring it up. He asked me not to interfere in his life anymore and since I don’t understand, he doesn’t expect me to understand it and neither will he try to understand my point. Any idea how crushed I feel after hearing those words from him?

Many times I feel like giving up this relationship but I can’t seems to bring myself to do it. I asked God why do I have to go through bitter relationship again? My previous relationship also started sweet but bitter in the end, why? Is this a signal that my relationship with him is coming to the end?

Even though I’ve brought up the break up topic many times but BF always ignore it because he says he loves me a lot and I know I can’t use this any longer. I don’t know what I will do if one day we do break up. I’m really afraid that one day he will break up with me. I’m struggling inside to maintain this relationship. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Last weekend it was about him cancelling our weekend together for his working trip to Beijing. Now, before the end of the week we’re quarrelling about his drinking habit. I’m starting to think if this is a problem of my own. Maybe I just don’t understand people at all. My ex-BF once said that I’m the worst GF he ever had, am I really that hopeless?

Long break...

It has been a while since WE last updated our blog, I sincerely apologize especially to my baby lou por zai. It has been a crazy time at work for me - bottomless pile of work to follow-up, back to back meetings, stupid clients, and above all that - the feeling of needing to justify my new position (new pay)

On top of office work, my own personal 'vested interest' is taking up the remainder of my time. Wish me luck that i cash out on it. It will be quite 'lucrative' if you know what i mean hehe.

Now back to the unblogged weeks.

Was in Indonesia doing some training, catching up with some people, developing my network to hopefully something fruitful. I left Indonesia one day before the quake, on september 11th. May god bless those people affected and bring them some relief. *sigh* We are so lucky yet we sometime's complain (anyways that another story for another day)

The weekend after that, i was in my babies hometown. Walked into the door with 2 boxes of mooncakes (nice to see not nice to eat) sorry darling. *muakz*. I had my favourite beef noodle's, and some 'thunder' rice (which doesn't taste too bad *smilez* - acquired taste hehe). Drove my baby to the bus station in which i really really did NOT WANT MY BABY TO LEAVE MY SIDE. *sigh* I a so in love with my darling...

The following weekend, am down in Singapore to help my darling shift into her new place. Didn't do much, just managed the boxes and checklisted everything. The movers did the bulk of the work very professionally i might add (minor hiccups with a lost screw BUT all was good). The room is bigger than her previous room and a much bigger window (Quite nice) BUT no aircond =( hahahahahaha.... anyways all is good and i feel very safe with my baby in this new place. Lets just say that area is well protected - thanks to a very hardy VVVIP.

An update on our relationship. It is developing nicely and we are still so very much in love. I am falling deeper and deeper for my girl day by day.

MY girls big birthday day is coming up, i am cracking my head to do many many nice things for her to make her happy. I just love seeing her smile and happy. *muakz* I really do not know what i have lined up yet darling but i really hope you will like whatever i do and plan.

Forever and ever yours,
Lou Kung Zai

The year so far...

This will be the ramblings of a confused and cluttered mind, I will try to make as much sense as possible in this posts. Many things are happening at the same time and I want to make sure I make the best of it.

The first half of the year 2007

Been a roller coaster ride for me, from a very dark, dim, dodgy start to the year. My life seemingly sucked into the 'dark side'. Financially I was driving myself into the red line, physically i was drinking and smoking, everything else was just a blur. If you ask me, do i regret? my answer will be a NO, I do not regret for the sheer reason that it is the past. I move forward and learn and hopefully become a 'better person' (evolution?)

Career wise, it was stagnating. Business wise was also non-existant. Things did not look good, and I was bordering on insanity trying to THINK MYSELF OUT of the rut i was in. Horrible time horrible, the alcohol, smoke, dark times seem to dull the senses enough for me to survive.

Family wise was alright, just because of the sheer fact that i was never home long enough for people to even notice my changes. All my activities are shrouded behind 'Work purposes'. I leave the house early in the morning, go home in the wee hours of the night. Many times not even showering to sleep as i was just too drunk or too tired or both.

Personally I was alone, too alone. Looking back - it was scary but still worth experiencing. I was down. but never have i experienced a double whammy of being down and continually being sucked into the 'dark side'

Second half of the year

I am glad to say things have taken a turn for the better, if i can plot it on a graph, it will look like a 'bull market' immediately after the depression of the century. Things started picking up after (I am not sure of the exact order) but there are a few key highlights of the year which I am thankful and glad that happened.

First things first, I am very much in love now. I think i found the person i want to spend my life with. (I am not saying this just because she co-owns this blog) but i really feel that WE can work something out. I think of her continuously and want the best for her. *muakz* darling lou por zai.

then I got a promotion and a much needed salary hike, putting me into the 6 figure yearly income bracket. This new fact kept me entertained for a good 5 minutes, after that I started to wonder HOW do i make more. hahahahahaah talk about contentment.

From there, the love of my life convinced me to quit my cigar smoking, else she will do something drastic. I also quite because the cigars made it horrendously dry for me. Anyway.. cigars are not off my hobby list.

Recently my 'vested interest' outside just got paid off, hopefully there is $$ behind the cheque i got. Wish me luck. my first 6 figure cheque and I guess I should be quite comfortable for the year. But again, the novelty of having 6 figures lasted about 10 minutes? Now i am wondering how do I make more and how much more is enough? I want my porsche and ferrari's in my LIFETIME.

Overall things are turning out to be good, need to keep the momentum and strive for bigger better things. It is in 'good times' that we should prepare for 'rainy days'. But how and what? I need to crack this nut soonest possible just to be safe.

Wish me luck, so far so good.

Love you darling lou por, please be my guide, support and chronicler of my life. I really need you to help me out in alot of the areas that will pop up.

Loving you lots,
Still a 25 year old boy trying to make the best of his life.

Something to blog about...

•So far away...

I cannot touch your hand,
I cannot feel your breath,
I cannot hold you close.

Yet so close...
I can feel you in my heart,
I can see you in my mind,
I can hear you in my ears.

You can be so far away...

But as long as I have your love...
As long as I have you...
You will always be close.

For,
As sure as the sun rises,
And the tides will change,
I will always love you,
An you will always be close to my heart.




I love you my darling lou por zai.
Lou Gong (in the office getting ready to leave)

My baby is doing me proud...

I love you lou por zai, I am glad that my baby is taking my workload in stride. My darling is being very understanding and very supportive of my current jam packed work load, abit of 'noise' here and there but overall its all good.

From new business pitches, to justification of my existence, to preparing for a Jakarta workshop, to trying to come up with a 'next steps' for my life, working out the budgets for my division, to maintaining a happy relationship is a very tedious job. I need the support and understanding that my darling lou por is giving me now.

She is wonderful!

I just wish that we were in the same city, this way she can sayang me everyday, everynight, all day, all night, all time, everytime... thinking about it brings a smile to my face. I am sooo sooo sooo smitten *muakz* love you darling!.

anyways now i gotta run off and go home, to continue slaving away in front of my laptop.

*muakz*
Lou Gong

Ups and downs...

Love you darling, it is as I expected that we will get into an arguement. The really funny thing about our arguements is that it GOES NO WHERE, we end up talking and talking and bickering until we forget our points - THERE IS NO POINT TO THE ARGUEMENT then it just becomes a tussle of very thick skin and 'hard necks' geez.

We are going to look back and really have a good laugh over this. I guess the best part of having an arguement is that the 'make up' sex is fanfuckingtastic hahahahaah. *wink wink*.

It has been a while since i updated the blog, work has been crazy. Back to back from pitches to budget meetings to trainings in Jakarta to my personal business 'making some head way'. I am really glad and happy that darling has been HIGHLY SUPPORTIVE and is taking this in stride.. GOOD GOOD. Keep it up my darling, this is really what I need from you and our relationship. Support and understanding.

Lately I have been 'stuck', now that I got a pay raise, promotion, business money seems to be flowing in, NOW WHAT? WHAT NEXT? 100 thousand dollars, 300 thousand dollars, how much is it going to stretch? How do i grow it to 3 million? 30 million? 300 million? I need 'something' - what is that 'something'?

It sometimes can get very frustrating just thinking about it. Should i be patient? should i be frustrated? what what? All this for a more comfortable life in the future, luxuries? Giving back to my parents, my family, showering my darling with life's luxuries, doing stuff back to the community.

I always thought that IF in the future I had a choice to do charity work, my focus would be on senior citizens. Everyone seems to be focussing on children children and the future, what about the past? the people that made us what we are today - they are getting short changed. If you have grandparents, I have a tried and tested method of giving them endless smiles and happiness. It is the very simple touch, a touch, a reassuring hold, a grip, a firm 'I am here' hold goes a long way - they do not need your money, they do not need your luxuries, they just need your time and your touch.

I regret not doing enough for my grandmother (Paternal, whose death anniversary is just a few days ago).

Anyways I have diverged from topic, hahahahaha I LOVE MY DARLING LOU POR ZAI so much.

Can't wait to be intertwined with her this weekend.

Lou gong zai.

Let down...

My business trip may not happen, I have once again let my baby down. A once well planned trip down to 'hometown' is now a total confusion on whether do i go Singapore or 'hometown'. All this plus work has been back to back recently. Schedule jam packed all the way till October, with pitch after pitch coming and going - new position and pay grade to justify.

my darling beloved lou por zai, WE are stronger than this. Right from the start I have always been saying - we need to be strong. There will be sacrifices that needs to be made in order for US to have a comfortable future and i guess this fact is slowly getting hard to ignore.

Well I love you and I want our relationship to last for all time, lets work this out and keep at this. Slight adversity won't hinder love for you.

*muakz*

Good morning my darling lou por zai.

Lovingly yours,
Lou Kung Zai (With pitch document not done yet, hahaha *tear*)

Will be missing my baby...

In another 1.5 hours my beloved lou por zai will be on a bus recreating the 202 mile gap that we have. It was a very wonderful 5 days that i spent with her. Absolute bliss - our relationship is developing at a nice pace, minor miscommunications, little patches of 'quiet time', but all was cool and calm - handled beautifully by both parties.

I love you so much lou por zai!, we need to sort everything out before it becomes a major issue.

I will now go to pay for your facial (Since i got u all tanned with our beach holiday).

Loving you forever and ever,
Dee dee aka Lou Kung Zai

Do not let go...

I am so in love, and in moments of weakness I will contradict what I say. I know I need to stable down here in before I ask you to come back - BUT I still ask you to come back quicker nevertheless. Its contradicting but its what I feel. I am sorry, those were moments of weakness.

Like I keep saying, we have to be strong for we have a long road ahead of us. We have so much more time to spend with each other, a little bit of hardship/distance shouldn't hold us back from all that. I am so in love.

I promise to follow your lead, PLEASE HOLD ON TO MY HAND AND NEVER LET ME GO.

Holding on tightly,
Little hubby

I am jealous...

My bee is having lunch with some 'guy' that has interest in her. I am actually okay because I trust her so much - BUT I can't but help feeling abit uneasy and 'pain' when I think of the situation. I love you so much my Lou Por Zai!

Love you lots,
Your Dee Dee!

Missing my Lou Por Zai!

I can't wait to be by my Lou Por Zai's side again. I look forward to next Wednesday when she will once again be in my arms. It has been a somewhat turbulent month for us, miscommunication, misunderstandings, bickering's, tears, laughter, heat, and some very painful 'quiet time'. I am glad to report that WE have come out unscathed and strong as ever.

There are a few things that led us down that dark path, one of the key reason is that WE miss each other too much. I miss my baby soo much. Every waking moment, every sleeping moment, every moment i miss my bee. My Lou Por Zai, my one and only keeper of my heart. I love you!

I really honestly am working and planning for a LONG FUTURE together bee. Please be patient with me.

So in love with you,
Lou Kong Zai

Undying love for my Bee...

I love you like the sun in the sky
Or maybe how a bird is destined to fly
Even more than a mother loves her child
Or all the animals running in the wild

Words can't sum up the way that I feel
But I'll definitely say
These feelings are real
And as Sent from above
Im here to give you my undying love

So in closing my dear
I pray I've made it rather clear
You mean everything to me
My sweet heart can't you see
I can't get enough of your endless touch
Oh my sweet baby, I love you so much!

Yours now & forever,
Dee Dee