getting away and into massive jams

After many months of internal struggle, I’ve finally made the decision to be closer with BF. I’m not sure if this is a wise choice but it’s something that I have not regret. It’s been 4 months since I stopped working. During this time, I did some traveling to New Zealand, HK and Macau. The rest of the time I have been busy commuting between my city and BF’s. To some extend we’re still maintaining a distance relationship but the distance is much closer now and we get to spend more time with each other rather than restricting our time to just weekend.

This weekend we’re traveling to Jakarta, BF will be there for his work while I will skip and hop around the malls on my own. It will be a weekend getaway from my usual boredom of sitting around at home doing nothing more than watching drama and to start this fabulous weekend, we’re traveling on business class and checking into Grand Hyatt.

weekend, with a touch of italy

Weekend has come and gone, how did your weekend went?

Last weekend I spent my time with BF, we didn’t do any extraordinary but it was a very good time for me and I hope the same for him too. We spoke about our future a bit but not into detail. I was very happy when he mentioned that I get to have a say in how our home will look like although it will still be heavily influenced by his style. He also told me to do some research on designs that I like to discuss with an interior designer. Imagine the grin on my face. =)

Finally we also manage dine at an Italian restaurant that I have wanted to go very much. It is one of the first few places we dated, so it’s a place with sweet memories for us both. Plus the food there was great as far as my memories served me well. One of the dishes that still remains in my memory till now is the cod fish but BF has warned me not to have high expectation for the food there and he is right on that.

We took pictures of the food and ourselves but not together, silly me of all things, how can I forget that? Anyway I just realized I lost my camera, so I have nothing to keep. *sob*

These days I’m happier, I try to think less but I’m also happy that during those difficult time I have God by my side and he has blessed me with girlfriends who are very supportive of me. They gave me advises that are valuable and helps me to tide through trying time. I really thank God for everything. =)

handling difficult times

How has weekend been for you all?

It's been crazy hot over my place here. I wish the weather can cool down a little so that it doesn't add further burden to my extremely tired soul, not to mention the stress that I am facing with a crying kid (my niece) at home and relationship issue with my significant other.

Things have generally cooled down a little. I'm not sure what to make of this relationship that I have right now. We do talk on the phone, exchanging a little bit of jokes but it still feels different than before. Before there were lovey dovey messages exchanged but now he don't even call me his Bee (short for Baby) or darling. When saying I love you, it's always "love you", in the past if I said that he will asked me "love who?". I also remember he mentioned that there was once a movie, when the guy who had an affair was asked to say "I love you" by his wife he only said "love, love, love, love, love'. In a way saying the word out but not the way the wife had intended it to be. I wonder if this is the case for me now.

These days, I try to control my temper. When facing with issues that I dislike, I will keep quiet and calm myself down by focusing on happier things in life. I also try not to dissect messages so often like before. I know girls always like to read in between the lines. Looking for hidden messages. It's not the girls' fault but we're just born to look into details more that's why we are more sensitive and considerate.

Anyway, by doing that, I realised it's a lot easier, I get less emo and there is less stress on the relationship. Also, I try not to conjure too much unrealistic expectation on both of us. I still have certain things that I hope to change in him but I have learnt to take thing less hard. Another avenue of my release of stress and feelings is through praying. I can't tell you how much prayer have helped me to go through this period of hard time. I'm a christian and have always believed in God very much. This period of emo, God has really helped me alot. He has even sent me messages in the form of email, not kidding. But prayer certainly does help in times of trouble like this.

So we are going through a trying period now. I'm praying hard that things will look better for us soon and there will be a change in our relationship.

How do you handle your relationship during difficult times?

*update: Oh he has just called me "Darling" again! Thank god for answering my prayer.

cold rejection

It’s been a while…

I noticed that whenever I am feeling down and helpless about our relationship, I will come here to blog about it. Yes, our relationship is going through another rock bottom situation. This time our argument got worst than before. Perhaps it’s the pressure of our age, the pressure of the need to settle down due to our age, we are now in our late 20s. 2 nights ago, we almost wanted to call it off but I didn’t have the courage to let go this relationship because I couldn’t imagine myself calling another person other than him my darling. Before this, every now and then I will have this feeling to want to give it up but that night when we all words are out of our mouth, I realized it’s not that easy after all.

Breaking up is a tough thing to do in all serious relationship. But what can I do to salvage this broken relationship?

Since that night his attitude towards me has been rather cold. Maybe I’m just an eager person hoping that our relationship will go back to normal. I’m still waiting for that familiar loving tone from him every time we chat on the phone but I seem to only sense a cold rejection.

What should I do now?

I’m feeling so helpless the only thing I can do right now is praying hard everyday that one day Lord will deliver to him the message that I want him to understand. I hope all this is not too late.

the beautiful promise

Open facebook today, other than being bombarded with a list of getting-to-know-me results my friends have been taking, I noticed the panel on the right filled were 3 newly minted couples posting various wedding pictures. I briefly went through their pictures, just too many pictures for me to go through it one by one. Welcome to my age where being single is the odd one out. I’ve just attended a wedding dinner last week and there is another one coming along this weekend. So I foresee another 2 wedding albums that will be appearing soon.

Happy to see them all in bliss but my view of getting married right now is mixed. Amidst of this misty happiness while shrouded with beautiful promises of till death do us part, I know there is more than meets the eyes when it comes to life after marriage. How life can be different where things you expect to change will not change while things you don’t expect to change will changed. The union of 2 people is not child’s play but also a union of 2 families together, union of differing backgrounds, values and understanding of life and this is probably where all problems will come in. This moment now I’m not willing to face it, perhaps not having the courage to go through it all by myself.

Then I saw another friend whose boyfriend went down on bended knee while holidaying. Heart melts. I think getting engaged while on holiday is a very nice thought. While you’re enjoying every moment that you’re spending with him and then suddenly the ring pops out, it’s like a cherry on top of the ice cream (although I dislike eating cherry). Anyway, I know this friend for a while, not very close but I know she has been in love to this guy for many years. The relationship is like a boat on a stormy sea, according to some sources but she treats him with all the patience she has. Finally the moment of fairy tale has arrived and in style. I guess right now nothing else can put that huge smile on her face seeing the spark coming off from her hand every now and then relishing the sweetness she experienced in Italy.

I know of another friend who is also planning to propose in the coming Europe tour. I wonder if the plan is still valid now.

post 2nd year anniversary

The weather lately is boiling hot. Air is still as the wind chimes stop knocking against each other. If BF is here with me now, most certainly he will be bathing in sweat now. Lucky for him he is probably in some outlet enjoying the cool breeze of air thanks to modern technology.

Nothing much happened yesterday night, after my salsa class, I headed for home. I tried to strike a conversation on the phone to spend time chatting since we can’t see each other to compensate for the lack of his presence on our anniversary but somehow we ended up arguing. Sigh, not again?!

In the end we didn’t talk much, both headed to our own bed, to sleep away the weariness accumulated from the day. The recipe for disappointment is hoping too much and I think yesterday that is exactly what I was cooking for myself. Note to self, don’t hope too much and don’t build up too much fantasy to a relationship unless you’re into gay relationship.

Hmm… I wonder how couples survive their anniversary date.

no dinner, no flower

It’s our 2nd year anniversary today. The day we officially go out on our big green light. How time flies. From the time I agreed to be his GF over the phone, till now, so much has happened. All the different taste in life, I’ve tasted it all within these 2 years. Although I should expect more to come but I really hope to just taste the sweetness in this relationship. It’s like when eating in a buffet; I will happily skip through the main and dive straight to dessert corner.

The feeling now is sad because there is nothing to expect on today. Since each of us will be busy and we’re still far apart. Actually every now and then I still ask myself when this far apart thing is going to end. Sigh, hate this feeling. Well I hate long distance relationship, in short.

Tonight, there will be no dinner nor flower but BF mentioned that he will plan a trip together to Bali next month. Hopefully the trip will work out well. *finger cross*

bills, bills, bills

Although this blog is essentially used to blog about my relationship with BF but today I feel blogging about something else. This is something about someone I am currently living under one roof with. Don’t get me wrong, this person is not someone related to me in anyway other than we used to be classmates when we were young, now turned housemate.

As I don’t have any other source to vent my anger anonymously, I figured this is the best way for me to spit it all out without hurting anyone in the process. So the story goes this way, I have 3 person staying in my house now. Lately one of my housemates has moves out. He used to be the person in charge of paying off the bills and such. While myself, I’ve always been the one making sure the rent is paid on time to the owner. I made sure that my part is done on time each time. Now this housemate has moved out, quite expectedly his load becomes a shared load between me and the other guy.

So here is the problem, 3 bills have arrived and to these days he has yet to pay anything. I’ve asked him a few times to the extent that I feel embarrassed asking him. I don’t want to appear like a little boss around the house but neither do I want to live in fear knowing that I will be living in the dark when I come home one day. He still has the cheek to call me a “PARANOID android”, that’s the angriest part but hello, do you think I really want to bug you over nitty-gritty stuff like this? You think I’ve nothing better to do?

Now I’m not sure whether I should write him an email to tell him off nicely or I should just leave the bill on the table, any idea?

On the bright side, things have been smooth sailing for me and BF for the last couple of days. No quarrels, no shouting, no slamming down the phone. I hope this situation will persist. BF is likely to be sleeping now as he has been rather exhausted the past few weeks due to waking up early for meetings. Hope he will feel refreshed tomorrow. *wink*

spending time together

Any relationship there will be ups and downs. I don’t want my memories of my relationship with BF to consist of only downs, like the previous few posts. Today it shall be something different. Like other couples, we manage to have some normal couple time together. Funny, I know how some couples may frown at the thought that their relationship is just about watching movie, window-shopping and eating. But for us, this is not something that comes by easily.

We started our morning with a discussion of our issues that’s been boggling us; we tried very hard to iron out the creases between us. We both love each other very much but on the other hand, our character makes us struggle to be the alpha male in the relationship. Both unwilling to submit to each other but dominate even though we know we love each other very much. This has of course cause tension between us every now and then, causing our relationship constantly wobble between breaking up and not.

We tried to come to an agreement that he will take care of himself more by going exercise with me, SMS me regardless of time telling me that he reaches home and never raise his voice or say words that I don’t like listening to. Likewise, I will interfere less into his drinking and late night activities that his work will be his priorities for now and I will try to learn to live with that.

After the talk, we manage to catch 2 movies together. We watched the much anticipated Angels and Demons and Monster vs. Alien 3D. I feel when watching movies, our relationship with each other becomes closer every time. I get to hold on to his hand tightly and he will sometimes shower me with kisses while watching movie. It’s really a very sweet time; sometimes I wish the time would stand still at that point.

Even though with a little silent protest from BF, we manage to have soup as dinner. BF is the type that has to have meat and carbo for dinner, so having soup for dinner is not what he will call it as dinner but I guess this is his way of showing that he is going eat the healthy way. Of course I’m happy about it because I want to spend many more years with him in the coming future.

We ended our day with a game of Monopoly we bought earlier. It’s a very good way to spend some quality time together, other than watching movie. Even though I lost in the game but at I’m happy that I’m able to spend some quality time with him.

sleeping on it, yet again

Internet has always been a bad form for communication of feelings. Unlike talking face to face, we are able to see each other’s expression and feel each other’s feeling instantly and not guessing it on another end. So I thought the discussion tonight will end well with me lying snugly by his side and cooing me to sleep.

Less than 5 minutes into the talk, we’re already lying on the bed with our back facing each other. My plan was to be a bit more rational by listing down our issues and talking about it one by one but before I can do that, his answer to me is I should just leave him alone. It just seems so hard to communicate my feelings to him, he is unwilling to step back and when I sense that I got defensive altogether.

Is this going to be another one of those nights where I will be sleeping on my problem again, except maybe the problem will be sleeping by my side? Will we ever have a conclusion to our endless arguments?

in search for conclusion

For missing our weekend together last week, BF has scheduled to spend his weekend with me. Tonight he will be flying in, so we will be spending time together. I’ll be lying to you guys, if I say that I’m not happy at all. In fact at this moment of writing this post, I can feel my heart leaping with joy.

It’s after lunch now, BF message me on MSN suggesting to have a heart to heart talk. This is our first step toward confronting issues together after rows of staying up late, tearing, shouting and slamming on the phone. Right now, he told me that he is feeling confused and disturbed about our relationship but nevertheless still loves me. To be honest, I have the same feeling too. Many times in the midst of our heated arguments I did bring up the topic of breaking up, one part of me really feel like giving it all up but another part of me still wants this relationship to work. I already have my fair share of failed relationship and don’t want another to add on to my list of unsuccessful relationships.

So I suggested we can start talking about it tonight and have Saturday and Sunday to sort iron it out. Not sure how it will end but I do hope there will be a conclusion to this discussion. Hopefully I can share it here after we have an outcome. *finger cross*

it's taking off

Going through his earlier posts prompted me to pluck up my courage to pick up the phone to call him. Unfortunately for me the timing was not right; he was at a meeting when I called but good thing is that he did called me after his meeting. Now, everything seems to be back to normal although but none mention anything about what happened yesterday. As if it’s already understood that we’re both not in the mood argue again.

Good news, he messaged me earlier telling me that his partner just signed a deal. I’m very happy to hear this. Knowing that his career has taken off so well that his decision to start his own business is a correct one, for now. I hope everything will work well for him but on the other hand I hope all these success in his life won’t change him either.

Isn’t it always good to see the man / partner in your life doing well?

Hopefully I will have the same luck like BF in my career too. =)

vexed

Since last night after we hang up the phone, we exchanged a few one-word conversation briefly. Till this morning, I’ve not received any phone call from him. One part of me feel like picking up the phone to call him right now but another part of me start questioning, if I pick up the phone to call him, what’s yesterday’s argument suppose to mean?

Then if we start chatting like nothing has happened before, yesterday’s tear will be pointless. I’m tired of shedding tears every now and then, so if there is no understanding or agreement between us, very likely what we argues yesterday will erupt again some time in the near future.

What am I to do? I’m vexed.

a letter to boyfriend

Boyfriend,

I know you have been working hard to drive your dream car but I really want you to know that although without money you can’t do anything but money is the answer to all problems. Even if one day you have amassed a large amount of wealth, that doesn’t mean you will have all the happiness in the world.

I really want to let you know that even though I’m not 100% sure but I will try my best to stand by you through thick and thin. It really hurts to hear those words that you have said to me just now. I wish you had not said those words but if saying those words can make you realized that I really care for you and your health then I’m more than willing to let you say it out.

Even though I know this relationship is hurting me but the only reason I’m enduring it is because I love you. I hope you will one day realized my love for you, I really do. There are so many things that I wish I could tell and share with you but I find our communication these days is coming to a near break down and I’m crushing altogether.

I will pray again tonight, so that God will help us tide through this time of difficulties in our relationship. Hopefully soon there won’t be anymore sad posts in this blog.

Crushed girlfriend.

room hunter on the loose...

Boyfriend came to spend the weekend with me on the pretext of coming here on a business trip to work on, yet another pitch. Over the weekend we did some room hunting since the current apartment is going to be sold. I wish so much that the place we’re hunting is the place we are living together.

We visited 2 places so far; the first is a common room that is right opposite an mrt station. This unit is to be shared with 2 other Thai people. This might be my first time to share place with foreigners. The part I love most about the room, is it has a huge full length mirror with a huge cupboard for my stuff and since the unit is a 22nd floor, it is actually quite windy, no need for air-con but I think might be hard for boyfriend.

My main criteria when it comes to choosing a place to live is this place has to be very near mrt station. I know how much a pain it can cause if I have to walk very far. With the budget that I have, I suppose I should be able to find a place that is near mrt station but perhaps not a master room with own toilet. I guess I can do away with the private toilet but definitely can’t live far from mrt station.

Then the 2nd place we went is supposedly 7 minutes away, according to the lady I spoken on the phone, from the nearest mrt station but to our horror when we reached, we walked a 15 minutes sweaty walk. At least that’s what I saw it happened on poor boyfriend. He was soaked in sweat from head to toe and the apartment seems a little unpleasant to our likings. First there was a stench in the house then the actual owner of the house sleeps in the living room and the unit is much too small to my comfort. I noticed the people in that area seems to be some aging community since there were 2 ongoing funerals side by side the road.

Based on these 2 rooms I viewed, I think we both prefer the first room. Due to its convenience and our first impression of the places, think we might just go for the first room we went. I’ve just conveyed my interest to the Thai lady over the phone, going to put pay my down payment soon.

Wish me luck ;)

Love you little hubby

Have not been updating here for a long time since I started it. Didn’t mean to neglect this space in my life but things is just getting very busy in my life. Plus I was also plagued by a terrible flu that resulted in me spending my weekend on bed (almost).

Relationship with boyfriend is progressing well. We’ve had our first quarrel already but everything still seems well balanced, I think I blame the cause of all our arguments the past few days to my hormone imbalance. I’m aware of that but I was refusing to admit to it since my ego refuses to bow down (just like boyfriend).

Otherwise we’re now back to our lovey dovey mode. Sending each other messages either on MSN or SMS telling how much we miss the other party and how much we love each other. Dating on the phone creatively.

I’m so in love with my relationship with boyfriend and most importantly I’m so in love with boyfriend. Even when I’m out with other guys, I constantly have images of boyfriend popping in my mind. That goes to show how deep I have fell for boyfriend. Funny thing is I have never thought that I will fall in love with boyfriend when going out with him as friend and definitely NOT this much.

Having lived alone for so many years and been through many ups and downs in my life, I’ve become a more focus person. When it comes to things that I want in my life, I’m able to make my decision better and less indecisive. Through this relationship I realized that what I want is not just a normal relationship like what I used to have in the past but a relationship that last. A relationship that doesn’t just stop at a HUGE *Tiffany diamond ring but also seeing OUR kids growing up getting married while still holding on to boyfriend’s hand.

Life is unpredictable but I hope my relationship with boyfriend it will be destined to last to the very end of our lives.

*subject to changes

hours after

My heart raced. I quickened my footstep. Punched the lift button hoping that the lift will arrive faster. I hurried my pace hoping that I will be able to at least catch a glimpse of him. I looked everywhere, from the bridge, the station and to the taxi stand. I can't find the familiar figure that I'm wishing to see.

My Dee has left.

I could feel something in my heart, the pain in my heart. As I walked away from the place, a feeling of regret gripped my heart. I was crying so much inside me. I slowly walked back into my place, entering my room filled with Dee's polo perfume. It made me miss him even more. The familiar scent that has enveloped my entire room throughout the weekend, as though boyfriend made a mark in my room. I felt happy deep inside actually, wishing so much that the scent will never go off. Wishing so much that it will stay as long as I stay in the room.

My room is back to the usual silent mode. With no more laughters (nor tears), except music emitting from my Bose speaker. I'd rather exchange my Bose speaker in return for boyfriend's presence, even if it's just a moment.

Given another chance

Actually the past few days I have been probing myself on reasons I didn't choose to be with boyfriend in the past. The last 1 month after going out with boyfriend, I felt so loved like never before. The kind of assurance and determination that he has for this relationship made me felt very treasured. Many times when I looked at boyfriend, I felt ashamed of myself for making a decision that is not him.

For the longest memories I have about boyfriend, he has been there for me all the time. I was reading his SMS that he used to sent, telling how much he loves and wants me to accept him. I thought back, I questioned myself again, why didn't I choose him in the past? So many questions left unanswered in my mind but I suppose what has happened in the past has happened, even if I have the answer it will not change anything now. All I have in my mind now is to be back in boyfriend's arm in soonest possible time.

Given another chance to take the ride back to the past, I will choose to be with boyfriend again. I know this may sound silly and people might think otherwise BUT I do not need to be accountable to anyone's opinion since everyone is entitled to one except boyfriend. For, I only need boyfriend to know that I sincerely love him very much and do not wish to lose him, not now, not even forever.

To Little Hubby: I'm sorry.